Twilight of drowning sun

I am always indulged into the waves of thoughts whenever I am sitting near the beach with waves lapping by. This time the thought was mainly of the people who had been part of my life since long. I have seen their changed versions. Some of them have grown saner but some of them have just stepped down their wisdom steeply.

Initially, I feel being a good friend, or a colleague I should indicate them in a very clear way. But I have seen their reactions making things worse. In fact I have seen that they just found a way to find my faults. They will never appreciate the goodness but they would immediately message me first in the morning to say - "hey, you don't look good or you have changed" or any indirect behavior to indicate that I have been rude for some reason to them disappointing them.

To some extent, I always get bothered by such comments, especially, when it comes from someone who used to in my life for long. Then I stopped giving damn even to their judgement. Like, I would think twice before telling someone they don't look good. Actually, there is just one person in my life - someone I love really deeply - I will always give him honest opinion about what I think about him. Why him? Because he is the person who did not take me wrong even when we have not known each other for long.

I am following the four agreements now that Don Miguel Ruiz has articulated beautifully.

Being impeccable, don't take anything personally, don't make assumptions and finally, do your best!

This works like a charm!

 

Amour Propre

Shimmering lights of the twilight brought undesired, involuntary tears to my eyes. What did I lack? Did I do the right thing by walking away? Was it enough? Should I have waited more? Piles of questions gave a shot of severe prickling in my chest with an empty feeling.

Self respect is a big word - I smiled with a thought, wiping my tears off. I said to myself, "no I did just the right thing, just at the right time." I let myself grieve if it may needed, as much as it is required. Let all the negative thoughts about myself flow off with that.

Thing is if I do not respect myself, I cannot expect anyone else to do that to me. I am very empathetic person and I have let many people (mostly non deserving) walk off me - why does that happen? Did I lack my self respect then? Nah, but my threshold between the self respect and ego was not enough. There is a thin line that marks considerable difference between ego or attitude and self respect. I always thought that if I do not fix any problem with someone - mainly because they won't initiate - then it is my ego. And I used to let it go, apologize even when I was not wrong.

But eventually, I realized that I was completely wrong. Even if it is your old friend, if they are pressing the wrong button, I should not be the one to apologize for that. Now I do not care if they leave just because I did not apologize for their mistakes. My threshold now is just the right. I walk away.

I do my best but then once the threshold is past, I walk away (happily)!

Victimhood

One of the worst kind of people are those who always play victim. If you are really unlucky like I once was, you will end up meeting someone who is narcissist that plays victim always. Their impeccable capability of making you feel at fault is beyond imagination.

For me, I think I have born with some real weird luck that I somehow bumped into such kind. Surprisingly, few of my old pals have become one. I have noticed that change but I adapted to that because I believe what is the point of breaking relation of decades! But sometimes I really ignore when they call me up. Gradually you lose that attachment only because the way they treat you. It is like they are always right and you are always wrong. They will never apologize for their wrong doings but if you do the same, you will be world's biggest criminal and they will start victimhood.

Sometimes they do it so well that you are convinced that it is all your fault not theirs. Eventually, when I started observing and studying such situations, I understood it is not me who is at fault but them and they will never accept it for they keep lying to themselves. People like these need a crowd that can feed their ego at regular basis.

For me, I am no pleaser so they eventually get fed up of me and cut it down. Which is now kinda cool, it is like the garbage took itself out. Perfect! I do not need anyone who has no vision of themselves.

Single yet Strong!

In my life, I have never thought I would reach here where I have to stay single for this long fighting my battles so hard that there is no option but to stay strong until you come out with flying colors. Today when I turn back to my past, I feel proud of myself. Not that I am too great of a person but in spite of my flaws, I am becoming better every next moment and that is my goal for lifetime - be a little better than yesterday.

Times when I never knew I have strength to travel alone, but I determined to take my vacation alone. I planned my road trip and it still serves as one of the most memorable moments of the life.

The hardest thing to overcome is diverting your mind thoughts about what will happen next. There comes a time when I feel I am not strong anymore and I get clouded completely by thoughts of what is coming next? Will there be anyone to ask me if I am okay or how was my day when I enter my house in the evening after work? Will there be anyone to pick up my grocery bags from trunk to home? Will there be anyone to hold my hand seeing the sea shore indefinitely, and so on. This results in draining out all my tenacity and strength. 

Then I started motivating myself by making regular habits of yoga, meditation, reading, stuff that I always wanted to do and for some reason I could not do. I started journaling, sketching and embroidery. I started traveling with the right people and that sometimes is just me only :)

I have trained my mind to believe that "if it doesn't feel good, it is not going to feel any better by thinking about it longer." Every time I feel like I am stressing out over the things that I have no control over, I divert my mind by taking a long drive with my favorite music on.

And gradually I realized, I do not need to wait to be happy because I already am happy.