Twilight of drowning sun

I am always indulged into the waves of thoughts whenever I am sitting near the beach with waves lapping by. This time the thought was mainly of the people who had been part of my life since long. I have seen their changed versions. Some of them have grown saner but some of them have just stepped down their wisdom steeply.

Initially, I feel being a good friend, or a colleague I should indicate them in a very clear way. But I have seen their reactions making things worse. In fact I have seen that they just found a way to find my faults. They will never appreciate the goodness but they would immediately message me first in the morning to say - "hey, you don't look good or you have changed" or any indirect behavior to indicate that I have been rude for some reason to them disappointing them.

To some extent, I always get bothered by such comments, especially, when it comes from someone who used to in my life for long. Then I stopped giving damn even to their judgement. Like, I would think twice before telling someone they don't look good. Actually, there is just one person in my life - someone I love really deeply - I will always give him honest opinion about what I think about him. Why him? Because he is the person who did not take me wrong even when we have not known each other for long.

I am following the four agreements now that Don Miguel Ruiz has articulated beautifully.

Being impeccable, don't take anything personally, don't make assumptions and finally, do your best!

This works like a charm!

 

Amour Propre

Shimmering lights of the twilight brought undesired, involuntary tears to my eyes. What did I lack? Did I do the right thing by walking away? Was it enough? Should I have waited more? Piles of questions gave a shot of severe prickling in my chest with an empty feeling.

Self respect is a big word - I smiled with a thought, wiping my tears off. I said to myself, "no I did just the right thing, just at the right time." I let myself grieve if it may needed, as much as it is required. Let all the negative thoughts about myself flow off with that.

Thing is if I do not respect myself, I cannot expect anyone else to do that to me. I am very empathetic person and I have let many people (mostly non deserving) walk off me - why does that happen? Did I lack my self respect then? Nah, but my threshold between the self respect and ego was not enough. There is a thin line that marks considerable difference between ego or attitude and self respect. I always thought that if I do not fix any problem with someone - mainly because they won't initiate - then it is my ego. And I used to let it go, apologize even when I was not wrong.

But eventually, I realized that I was completely wrong. Even if it is your old friend, if they are pressing the wrong button, I should not be the one to apologize for that. Now I do not care if they leave just because I did not apologize for their mistakes. My threshold now is just the right. I walk away.

I do my best but then once the threshold is past, I walk away (happily)!

Victimhood

One of the worst kind of people are those who always play victim. If you are really unlucky like I once was, you will end up meeting someone who is narcissist that plays victim always. Their impeccable capability of making you feel at fault is beyond imagination.

For me, I think I have born with some real weird luck that I somehow bumped into such kind. Surprisingly, few of my old pals have become one. I have noticed that change but I adapted to that because I believe what is the point of breaking relation of decades! But sometimes I really ignore when they call me up. Gradually you lose that attachment only because the way they treat you. It is like they are always right and you are always wrong. They will never apologize for their wrong doings but if you do the same, you will be world's biggest criminal and they will start victimhood.

Sometimes they do it so well that you are convinced that it is all your fault not theirs. Eventually, when I started observing and studying such situations, I understood it is not me who is at fault but them and they will never accept it for they keep lying to themselves. People like these need a crowd that can feed their ego at regular basis.

For me, I am no pleaser so they eventually get fed up of me and cut it down. Which is now kinda cool, it is like the garbage took itself out. Perfect! I do not need anyone who has no vision of themselves.

Single yet Strong!

In my life, I have never thought I would reach here where I have to stay single for this long fighting my battles so hard that there is no option but to stay strong until you come out with flying colors. Today when I turn back to my past, I feel proud of myself. Not that I am too great of a person but in spite of my flaws, I am becoming better every next moment and that is my goal for lifetime - be a little better than yesterday.

Times when I never knew I have strength to travel alone, but I determined to take my vacation alone. I planned my road trip and it still serves as one of the most memorable moments of the life.

The hardest thing to overcome is diverting your mind thoughts about what will happen next. There comes a time when I feel I am not strong anymore and I get clouded completely by thoughts of what is coming next? Will there be anyone to ask me if I am okay or how was my day when I enter my house in the evening after work? Will there be anyone to pick up my grocery bags from trunk to home? Will there be anyone to hold my hand seeing the sea shore indefinitely, and so on. This results in draining out all my tenacity and strength. 

Then I started motivating myself by making regular habits of yoga, meditation, reading, stuff that I always wanted to do and for some reason I could not do. I started journaling, sketching and embroidery. I started traveling with the right people and that sometimes is just me only :)

I have trained my mind to believe that "if it doesn't feel good, it is not going to feel any better by thinking about it longer." Every time I feel like I am stressing out over the things that I have no control over, I divert my mind by taking a long drive with my favorite music on.

And gradually I realized, I do not need to wait to be happy because I already am happy.

Mentality is very environmental friendly !

Mentality of a person has effects of its surroundings. Be it company of people around you or family influence on your behavior.You bound to become like what your surroundings offer to you. I have seen many examples in my life how people's mentality is affected strongly with their surroundings. 

There are some people who live at reserved level and quite do not blend well with others socially - hence they have very limited number of people in their own circle. Sometimes, life teaches you a very good lesson and gives you ample of reason to change who you are. That is how you are bound to change and survive. 

A person who has grown up in an environment where the family members use slang calling each others, abuse the daughters of the house, illiterate and never have been in touch of that part of society who has some different standards of living - with respect. No matter how much you try to help a person who brought up in that environment it is always gonna be in vain. I have a friend who happened to belong to such an environment and no matter how much I and other common friend tried to inspire her, she just does not get it. They behave as if you are literally talking alien to them. Finally, even though you feel sorry for that friend and really want her to live a better life, there isn't much you can do about her. 

You keep wondering that how can a person just live a life like that, but they are happy with that and I feel sometimes it is better to leave the matter like that. 

Sometimes, enough is really more than enough!!

I always used to wonder that when I will get fed up of doing and investing myself for relation or on someone. Is it even possible! But now, there is a vague feeling of enough is enough now inside. 

Ever wonder that in a relationship, if only person is actively dedicating herself/himself and the other one is actively seeking partner of his/her age in spite of being in a relation - how far this would work? Dedicated person might tolerate everything for year or few more years. Then? Eventually she/he realizes that it won't work. Why it took this long to realize it? Perhaps, the hope that things will be alright one day. But that one day does not seem to be coming any sooner or later. Hence apopemptic. 

I have seen people working so hard and then finally upon realization they just do not care anymore. The dedication might have been 150% once upon a time but then eventually they realize it is nothing but making a fool of themselves by being doormats and collecting people's dirt all over themselves just for the sake of having people in life. 

There comes a time when you just stop trying, holding and you realize it is way more easy to let go eventually. 

Birthday makes you saner !

One more year gone !! Winter has been chiller than past two winters here in North America. I have made myself pretty cozy in front of my window with blanket, my kindle and a mug of Mocha. View of white reflections of sunlight from snow had been brightening my room. 

Last year might not be the best year I had but it indeed was an important year where I learned lots of new things. There were some same old friends who never leave my side no matter how unbearable I become. Then there happen to be some old forgotten lot who never used to be any important part. 

At the end of 2017, I am glad that I can conveniently conclude it wasn't a complete waste. It came with some of very useful lessons. I can feel I have become little better person with absolutely some addition to maturity as well. I learned to make peace with minimal efforts in life. I have learned to take care of myself and the people who take care of me. I have learned not to give a damn about those who don't value my presence in their lives. I know now it is their loss for sure after realizing my own worth.  See, sane for sure now ;)

 

Knock knock! From Gulmarg..

It was Dec 3rd, 2017. I opened FB, there was this old classmate who used to had a huge crush on me since schooling. He was at Gulmarg with his wife and had posted really nice pictures from there. I hardly used to like pictures of anyone, but those were really beautiful and I liked them. Within a while, I got a message from him saying hi and how I am doing. I was not expecting message from him because I never expected to get noticed from over 150-200 likes. He talked to me about how he used to before and how he has changed with the pace of life.

It really made sense in that few minutes talk. I realize that there are people who remember me since schooling even I always tried to remain low profile everywhere. People from past still wanted to see me doing well in life. They still have faith in my deeds and my living standards. They still respect me for what I was and what I am. I never expected a person who is handling many regional zones of western India in Amazon India to be expressing that how much it means to talk to me after this long. He has not even seen me in all these years, probably after schooling, and yet he respects me so much and cares for me so much. Like all my other friends, he emphasizes for being good enough in life. Feels good though.

A complete transformation from a simple introvert and shy person to a person who doesn't give a damn about what anyone else has to say about him. He has so much changed with the pace of life. Yet, there is this inside that keeps him connected to his roots. It is always nice to have you grounded to where you once belonged. 

Dunces Are Always Free Of Cost !

Today I came across one of the most contradicting evaluation! Qualities like hard work, patience, decision making, etc. are valuable when they are applied on right place at right time. Bearing patience all the time even under the scenarios that demand emergencies, could be treacherous! I mean you cannot ask a patient suffering from cardiac attack or a lady with labor pain to bear "patience", it requires immediate medical aid. The right quality you can offer to them is "be strong and keep calm or don't panic". 

I happened to get acquainted with some person who tests patience at every step! You cannot keep expecting the other person to pass the indefinite levels of your patience tests! There has to be a situation when you require to act a bit faster. And I wonder, on the basis of this ridiculous logic, he filters people in his life! I mean are you seriously crazy or what ! You are a doctorate candidate and merging your lab results acquired by a certain amount of "patience" everywhere in your life! That is bizarre. And on this, you judge people based on the single statement they say! Wouldn't you like to know more before giving your valuable jurisdiction? Initially, I felt a bit offensive but then I laughed on his stupidity and inability to understand the virtues of life, the right time to apply these virtues. 

It indeed is true for that acquaintance !

By now, I was quite convinced that it might take a while to meet someone intelligent, but dunces are always free of cost! (Grin) 

Certainly, degree is not everything to measure your sanity and intelligence in tackling people and your own life. Nor the age can have any good proportion with rationality and wits. 

Ek Pyali Chai..

"Madam, ek pyali chai?" a kid named Sachin asked me while I was lost in the thoughts of enjoying the smell of first rain near the beach. 

Ek Pyali Chai !

After facing the severe Summer, first rain indeed brought lush green grass and sapling around the beach area. This kid has always been serving tea in this area since I joined this research. He has been knowing me since I corrected his English greeting statement, "Madam, Hello! Good Night, How are you?" There is this inherent characteristic to correct the statements inside my mind and since I knew, Sachin would never mind, I uninterruptedly corrected him, "Sachin, when you meet someone at night, you greet them with Good Evening and bid bye with Good Night." Unlike any other person, he accepted my correction with affirmative nod. 

Neelu and I have always been going out for a walk and Neelu would shout at the tea stall where he works, "Hero, do garamagarm chai le aana bina pani dale". He would smile and make tea in a separate container Neelu has specially given for making her tea. Last birthday, we got him admitted to his village school and got him new text books and stationary. Since then he stopped working at the tea stall but he used to catch us up with chai made at his stall specifically with Neelu's instructions during weekends. 

This morning, I was reading local evening newspaper and it was having his name for topping his school in standard 10th. I felt so noble about the move of admitting him to school. We are no God to change anyone's life but if I could be a tiniest part of someone's success, I feel good about myself. Today, when he arrived with his usual tone taking a cup of tea in his hand, I could see his twinkling eyes. I took the cup from his hands. I wished him "congratulations", he shot back, "Thank you Madam." Hesitatingly he interrupted my intention of taking my first sip,"Madam main apko didi bualu"? I smiled and nodded. His smile was too big to be called a smile and too less to be called a grin. He left dancing weirdly crossing his feet and jumping. 

My mind was still urging me to take my first sip ignoring every other thoughts of nobleness, gazing back at the sea whose end was getting dissolved in the humidity.

The magic of NOSTALGIA!

There is a powerful effect of positive people in your life. I have seen how well they pull you off the negativity, lousy and atrocious climate. There are times when you just feel so depressive no matter how hard you try to be happy. In those times, I have been in touch some of the world's fantastic people in my life that had this effect on me. 

The time spent with them "once upon a time" which clouds me as nostalgia, is sufficient leaving a smile on my face! Those wonderful times, when there was nothing to pretend and nothing to worry about nor to lie about. Getting in touch with those people who had this power to make me nostalgic about the moments I once spent with them brings out superior joy to me. 

Those times: 

When you just do not have to see what time is it before messaging and you do not have to ignore the message that says "I am not sleepy, just call me asap". And if I saw it, I would call right away. And vice versa. That happened a lot one of my best roomies.

Being really really "wild & crazy" to those people who are trying to put you down and/or bringing hell out of you - I mean really laughing at those attempts with some of the best pals and people in your life is something! 

Roaming out in subways & local buses just because outside climate is too dusty or too hot / cold and just because you got a full day ticket to use! 

Watching "rats & roaches” running away from you because you showed them that they no longer can bother you! 

Your friends making you do you are most afraid of and then once done, feeling that you have conquered the world! 

Your same crazy friends making & forcing you to be yourself no matter how badly you are knocked out in your life! 

Going out at the same old place in the middle of some old bridge over river - where villagers even doubt you as smuggler yet giving them benefit of doubt ;)

Indeed, it was good old times that mostly aided me to go back there again and again! Those crazy memories will always be with you even when those people might be far far away from you.

Swaying leaves of Memories...

 

20 August 2013

Far away in the crimson twilight, I see an ardor of Sun barely visible in the dusk... I waddle into the pellucid water, with pebbles tingling under my feet... 

A strong breeze passes by bringing down myriad maple leaves' shower over me!!! This is the pulchritude of nature... These falling leaves remind me of the people whom I met in my life, those who stayed wid me for a while and left wid seasonal breeze... Some of them taught me lessons... Some of them gave mindfulness memories... Some of them make me float on quiet chuckles... :) 

 

But out of all that, an interesting question lies on a fact whether to hold on anything or to let it go... And if I decide to hold on something then till what extent and how long!! We are a part of so called "Pragmatic World" where we need to add a finite number to answer above question... 

 

Pondering over that - there are some beautiful memories that make me feel good even when I am currently not a part of any of those things that made them... And sometimes it pains thinking that too.. Now it is on me whether to let go those memories or hold upon them because they come with a pain too and joy of cherishing... That finite number would differ from person to person... I might need more time to decide how to deal with it to create a balance so that to get the right amount of joy and the just enough pain that I can accept widout smashing up in despair... This critical balance when is achieved, you feel blessed and you have got the key of being in a state of cheerful all time... 

 

Someone has rightly said, "Only that much pain enters us which we allow to".. We are sole responsible people for switching in between two modes of being "happy" or "sad"... 

It becomes necessary that our duty is to do the best in whatever we do, rest, if things do not turn out to be in favor then they will be coming with lots of lessons which would definitely give you a reason to be happy for "next time"...

I do believe in one thing that what is meant to be, will always find its way... No matter how hard it gets, no matter how unachievable it seems; it will make it way to you at "right" time and NOT your time...